Archive for October, 2021

Halloween Rant

Pure unadulterated evil.

This is a rant. You’ve been warned.

We live in a fairy tale of a neighborhood where everyone knows their neighbors, waves to passing cars, and lets their kids run amok like they should. There is one thing, however, that I utterly hate about living here: The Phantom.

See, every year in the two weeks leading up to Halloween, The Phantom begins to strike. You know when you’ve been hit because you’ll find a bucket or bag of Halloween crap on your porch. I don’t mind finding fun stuff on my porch as long as there’s chocolate involved — it’s the chain letter aspect I detest. Also there’s never chocolate in these things.

Your delivery comes with a flyer that you’re supposed to make two copies of, put with two NEW buckets or bags of crap, and then leave on two other porches. BUT here’s the “fun” part: you have to find houses that don’t have the “already been hit” flyer on their front door. AND you’re supposed to do this at night, AND ring the doorbell AND run away without being seen.

There are two main reasons I don’t participate in this “tradition”:

  1. I refuse to perpetuate the cycle of buying more crap just because it’s “fun” and that’s what everyone does.
  2. Shitty, labor-intensive, obligatory tasks like this fall on moms 99.9999% of the time.

Look, I like Halloween as much as anyone, but A) I have MORE than enough to do, and B) I don’t need more plastic/gooey/sugary crap in my house. It’s hard enough regulating all the crap that’s already here. Which ties back into A), really.

So when this year’s bucket arrived (there it is up there, looking innocent but holding only evil) and the Boo asked about it, I explained the rules and why I always break the chain. Then I said, “If you want to keep it going, that’s great, but you’re on your own once I make copies for you. I’m not buying more stuff, and I’m not going out with you.”

We’ll see what he does… I’ll just be over here in my Halloween Grinch outfit.

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Just a few of our well-used tools… I mean, check out the “edge” on that knife…

Before the Boo started school, I had a meeting with his new teacher to go over a few things about him. Stuff like he’s a rule follower, he’s sensitive, he’s probably the most creative speller alive. Here’s one I forgot: If he swears, I deserve the credit and the responsibility.

That’s right: I swear in front of my kid. Pretty much always have, although I did wait until I thought he was old enough to understand The Rules of Swearing:

  1. Never swear at school.
  2. Almost never swear in public.
  3. If you do swear in public, be sure you know your audience — or be ready to face the consequences.
  4. Practice fake swear words so they’re ready when you need them. (My favorite: Motherscratcher.)
  5. Do not use swearing to be mean.

I don’t subscribe to the “good words/bad words” way of thinking, with exceptions for a few that are just WAY too mean/gross/loaded for 99% of all humans to use. But the rest of them? They’re just words — they add color and spice to what you’re saying. Like hot sauce on eggs, it’s great as long as you don’t overdo it.

And like sauces on eggs, this is one area in which my husband and I do not agree. He swears so infrequently that we know he’s really ticked when he ventures beyond “come ON!” and “what a clown!” The Boo is aware that his dad doesn’t like it when he swears — so he makes an effort to avoid dropping word bombs within earshot of his dad.

This self-correction is part of why I’m teaching the Boo how and when to curse: it’s a life skill, a tool if you will, and as with any tool, you can use it in a negative or positive way. But hey, if you’re not comfortable teaching your kid to swear, use a knife or light sparklers, then by all means, don’t do it.

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I'm over 50. I'm raising a fifth grader. Sometimes he posts too.


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Bideshi Biya

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