I’ve always yearned to be an advice columnist. I’m not sure how well it would work out.
Dear Mama Dean,
I want to stop yelling at my kids. It makes me feel terrible. What can I do?
Sincerely,
Guilty in Gloucester
Dear Guilty,
Keep your mouth shut.
*****
Dear Mama Dean,
My kids eat so much junk food, but I don’t know how to stop them. I know it’s not good for them, but they beg for it all the time.
Sincerely,
Flustered in Fargo
Dear Flustered,
Stop giving it to them.
*******
Dear Mama Dean,
Sometimes I feel an overwhelming sense of despair at the end of the day. It doesn’t make sense because all I do is hang out with three adorable kids, but I’d really like to improve my mood. Help!
Sincerely,
Blue in Boise
Dear Blue,
Pick one: wine, pedicure or yoga. If you’re really in a pinch, pretend you’re on Valium.
*****
Dear Mama Dean,
Hi, it’s Guilty in Gloucester again. Keep my mouth shut!? How am I supposed to do that?!
Dear Guilty,
My advice is simple, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy to follow. If you need to, you can put your hand over your mouth at first. I would stay away from duct tape, though. Very tough to remove.
******
Dear Mama Dean,
My sweet child occasionally turns into a demon, usually right around 5 in the afternoon. How can I handle her without losing my mind?
Sincerely,
Challenged in Chicago
Dear Challenged,
This sounds like a job for cartoons.
*******
Dear Mama Dean,
Hello, it’s Blue in Boise again. I’ve never had Valium; can you tell me what it’s like so I can try pretending that I took some?
Dear Blue,
It’s hard to describe, so the best thing I can tell you is to ask your mom friends if they can spare one. Trust me, someone has a stash. Ask your calmest friend first.
*****
Dear Mama Dean,
I love taking my kid to the playground, but sometimes the other moms just complain nonstop. How can I get them to stop?
Sincerely,
Fed Up in Fayetteville
Dear Fed Up,
It’s called sisterhood. Look into it. One day you’ll want to enjoy its benefits.
******
Dear Mama Dean,
My child asked for green beans and then screamed at me when I gave them to him. Should I take him to the doctor?
Sincerely,
Worried in Wichita
Dear Worried,
Let me guess — your child is three. Go Google “three is the new two.” Then go buy a case of your favorite wine. You’re going to need it.
Mama-Come-Lately 