I’d heard about it for years, but never quite believed it, this thing about pregnancy changing your body forever. Then I started trying on my pre-baby clothes.
I’m nearly 10 pounds lighter than I was before I got pregnant, but try telling that to my midsection. It’s all, “Whatever, you go right on ahead and eat leafy greens and lean protein, yadda-yadda, I’m keeping ALL the fat RIGHT HERE! Because I LIKE IT”! Meanwhile, the best part of my butt is missing. It’s kind of like someone let the air out of it. Pfft! And recently when I felt brave enough to go bra shopping, I found I’d gone up a cup size — this despite never having produced enough milk for the baby. It’s kind of insulting.
It took me a while, but I figured out what happened. Clearly, they sent me home from the hospital with a post-partum poltergeist. Slowly and stealthily, it’s been working its evil magic on me while I sleep. It must be good, too, because I don’t ever sleep for long.
The list of changes is amazing, really. The nicest plumpness of my rear has been shipped up north of my waist, and apparently some of it continued on up to my chest. My skin went schizoid for a good three months. The texture of my hair became so alien to me that I’m still battling with it, a year and a half and three stylists later.
Yep, a poltergeist. That’s the only possible explanation. It actually makes sense, because I’m certain it hitched a ride amongst the free diapers — Pampers, as it happens. They’re made by Procter and Gamble. You know what else they make? Half the beauty and grooming products on the planet. You know who buys most of that crap? New moms who are all, “What the FREAK is happening to my body and how can I fix it?! Surely this magical shampoo/lotion/lip gloss will help!”
See, it doesn’t sound so crazy anymore, does it?
Mama-Come-Lately 
Leave a Reply