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When you hold your newborn baby in your arms for the first time, your head floods with pure love and thoughts of perfection and perhaps a creeping sense of panic. But one thing is sure: The thought of lying to your child is far, far away. That, my friends, will come later.

Last week I met a mom friend at a playground so we could shout sympathetic things at each other as our toddlers ran in opposite directions. Once we sat down for a snack, though, the conversation turned to the untruths we have used to avert conflict and /or simplify our lives. I can’t recall many of hers, but here are mine:

– We don’t have any more cookies/chocolate/chips.

– Daddy will be home soon.

– The ducks are too cold to eat.

– I can’t understand you when you whine.

– Bears like to stay home. (In reference to the bedtime buddy who increasingly “wants” to leave the house with us.)

– Bears like to go to the doctor. (A confusing inconsistency, I know.)

– Mama forgot. (Used increasingly as the Boo protests the fact that I haven’t let him close the garage door or push the buttons on the microwave or turn a light switch on or off.)

– I don’t know where those stickers went. (Technically true, since I don’t know where the landfill is.)

– The iPad is sleeping.

I’m going to be so screwed when that last one stops working.

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I wish I had made a note of the first time I turned the word “tuna” into a game. My best guess is that I was putting a can of tuna in the pantry, narrating the event like you’re supposed to do so your kid learns to talk all proper-like.

While I don’t know the when or why, I do know what I said. “Tu-nah, tu-nee, tu-nay, tu-nai, tu-no!” You know, like you do when you’re sleep-deprived and desperate for entertainment at three in the afternoon. The kiddo probably laughed, and I probably repeated the string of silliness a few times.

So now this is one of our go-to verbal games. The Boo or I will break into a string of tuna riffing from time to time, and then pause and look at the other player with a silly, expectant grin. We run through the list, usually ending with “tu-no.”

One day last week, I was the one to say “tu-no,” and then the Boo said, “tu-yes.” And giggled at his first joke.

My little boy, folks: Lover of language, maker of goofy jokes.

You think everything can be fixed with tape or new batteries, even things that don’t take batteries. You also seem to intentionally rip the flaps on your lift-the-flap book so that you can help Mama fix it with pieces of tape that end up anywhere but on the rip.

You are increasingly resistant to diaper changes, often announcing “no diaper today” during the first change of the day.

You are inclined to pinch or scratch Mama (and to a lesser extent, Daddy) when you are tired, sick or wound up. This earns you a stern “you may not hurt Mama” and a short stretch of being ignored.

You have developed a strong distaste for the changing table, but a simple change of venue (a/k/a changing you on the floor or in the living room) has you happy about getting clean again.

You were recently scared away from a piece of playground equipment by an older boy who rushed up as you were getting on it. After that, you whined “no” at every kid who came within 15 feet of you — including infants in strollers.

You got to know your cousins during a recent visit. By the end of it, you were kissing one of them, and letting both of them hug you.

You grew to like your uncle Dave so well during that same visit that you were demanding his finger by the end of it. His willingness to hoist you over his head a dozen times in a row may have had something to do with your esteem for him.

You experienced your first fist bump — with your doctor, during your two-year checkup.

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In the last week and a half, I’ve returned to freelance writing while getting ready for a houseguest and out-of-town visitors, so this week’s post is going to be a bit of a cheat.

A few friends posted a link to a hilariously well written and insightful post titled (roughly) “25 things you should know about toddlers.” Here’s my favorite quote:

“Regardless, when you’re trying to figure out why a toddler is acting the way she is, just remember: she thought she was a god, then learned that she was not.”

The only things the author left out, from my experience, are the schizoid, fickle food preferences of little people, and their uncanny ability to place themselves directly in your path no matter which direction you decide to go.

The full post is here for those who would like to check it out.

Happy weekend, everyone.

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Well, it happened. We recently experienced the oh-so-special rite of passage known as Baby’s First Stomach Flu. Don’t worry, I’ll spare you the gory details except to say I was amazed to find that it’s true: You don’t get grossed out by your own kid’s messes.

About 36 hours into it, the kiddo was lying completely still on a blanket at 9 a.m., which completely freaked me out, because oh my God he’s listless! That’s one of the Seven Warning Signs of Dehydration! So we hauled our sad little Boo to the doctor and were relieved to learn that he was not dehydrated, but that we should take steps to ensure that he not become dehydrated, as this would land him in the hospital.

To my surprise, the pediatrician recommended not just Pedialyte (which: gross), but anything we could get him to drink besides milk and water. White soda. Gatorade. Juice. So on our way home, we picked up all of those things.

At home, we put every option in little medicine cups, plied him with promises of videos, wheedled and cajoled him until we were worn out, but he would barely try any of it. A few hours later, a possible reason for this rejection of sweet drinks occurred to me.

He’s never had juice.

Not even a sip.

This is the Right Thing To Do now, to give your kid no juice, or diluted juice. So that’s what we did. No juice for the Boo. And that’s how we ended up with a sick little boy who would only drink the two things the doctor said to avoid.

He got better anyway, and I let him occasionally dip his finger in salt and lick it off, and let him have potato sticks (for the salt and the potassium) between bites of banana.

But you can bet your boots I’m going to get him used to drinking juice as soon as I can.

At The Playground

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Now that winter is beating a slow but definite retreat, we’re dropping by our favorite playground whenever it makes sense. It’s been really fun to see the leap in physical skills the Boo has taken since the fall, and he enjoys eating snacks at the little picnic table almost as much as he digs the ability to climb and slide on his own.

Playgrounds are surprisingly intimate spaces given that they’re open-air venues. I’ve seen children cradled after scary and/or bloody falls, witnessed dead-serious negotiations over balls and buckets and shovels, and smiled at babies nursing as their siblings run amok.

The other day as I was spotting my kid’s ascent on a metal ladder (!) I heard a snatch of Japanese, which I used to speak fairly well. I turned my head just in time to see a mom next to her daughter at the bottom of a slide. The girl was 4 or 5 (I’m terrible at gauging ages) and was in a lovely frilly dress and hair bow. Her eyes were closed, seemingly because of the bright spring sun. The mom placed her daughter’s hand on the slide and said, “1, 2, 3.” The rest of what she said was beyond my capabilities, but the meaning was clear to me once the girl flickered her milky eyes and smiled.

This is a slide, this is what you do on a slide. Someday soon when you’re ready, we’ll get you up there.

I hope I get to be there when that little girl is ready.

j is for Jellybean

It started with this:

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J is for jellybean, I would say. Then I realized the poor kid had no idea what a jellybean was. Also, Easter is coming, and I feel that an important part of my parental duty is to prepare him thoroughly for the garden of delights he’ll find in his basket. In other words, get him hyped up.

I tried to explain them in terms he’d understand: “They’re sweet, like chocolate.” The Boo was unimpressed and asked for chocolate. “The next time we go to the store, we’ll get some jelly beans.” He remained placid. To him, going to the store means a ride in a cart and maybe some stickers. None of it is nearly as exciting as running in a circle (our new favorite game now that the big baby gate is down).

As promised, I procured a small packet of Jelly Bellies during our next grocery trip. At home, I waited for the Afternoon Crabs to come skittering in with their whining and drama and penchant for pinching. Then I pulled out the packet with a flourish, tore it open, and let the Boo select a bean.

He looked at it with suspicion, but ate it and accepted another. This one, though, was greeted with a squinty face and his trademark, “Don’ like it!” He was looking for somewhere to spit it out, so I did the classic Mom thing and offered my hand. I gazed at the mangled pale pink confection in my palm and chuckled, wondering how this small thing had offended my child.

I sat down to eat the rest of the packet. I’m not crazy about jelly beans but I do enjoy the occasional Jelly Belly and after all, someone had to eat them. I may have emitted a small sigh as I poured a few onto the counter (I like to figure out what the flavors are before they go in my mouth. Also, they’re pretty.)

The Boo came over, asking/demanding to be picked up. Once in my lap, he asked for the packet. Then the real fun began, because he wanted to feed them to me. Quickly.

And so that’s what we did for the next 20 minutes. He’d pick up a bean from the counter and try to shove it in my mouth. I’d make a ridiculous face and say, “still eating!” He’d open his mouth wide, tongue out — his way of saying, “show me!” I’d happily oblige and the giggling would ensue. Inevitably, beans were dropped and went spinning across the hardwood, so I’d put him down, he’d collect them, squealing the whole time, and hop back up with me. Then he’d feed me another one, wiggling with delight the whole time.

Best $1.69 I ever spent.

Timer Is On My Side

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There are so many long stretches of parenting a small child that are absolutely mind-numbing in their repetitiveness that when you occasionally come up with a genius childrearing idea on the fly, it’s both a shock and cause for celebration.

I had one of those moments a few months ago when I asked the Boo to take me upstairs instead of telling him we had to go up. I have no idea why I did it, but he appeal to his budding independence was instant and dramatic — he seized my finger and practically dragged me up behind him. A couple of weeks ago, though, I came up with an even better trick, though once again I couldn’t tell you where the idea came from.

The Boo was being particularly disinclined to be happy about delaying his desires, which is to say, it was close to nap time on yet another butt-cold day in February and I needed to do a few more things before I could grant his wish to help him play at the sink. I pulled out my phone and opened the clock app.

“I tell you what. I’ll set the timer. When you hear the bells, it’s time for water play.”

He looked a little unsure about this timer thing, but he was pleased that I let him push the start button. Then I made a huge deal about the bells ringing and let him push the cancel button. Then I set it again to signal the end of water play, because he will seriously spend as much time as we let him “washing” dishes.

So now, instead of whining at me (my least favorite thing about my kid) when he needs to wait or stop doing something he likes, he submits to the will of the phone. Because, see, the command is coming from the phone — the provider of videos and games and general fun — not from me. And he doesn’t have it in him to whine at the phone.

Yet.

You Are Two Years Old

You are two years old.

You get a monthly kids’ magazine called High Five and you know it’s for you as soon as it show up. You love the stories and songs in it, but the big surprise for us is that you can find about half the items in the hidden pictures puzzle:

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You enjoy spinning to make yourself dizzy, washing things in the sink, and practicing your jumping skills.

You want to sing your water bottle to sleep when we put it in the fridge because Mama said it was going for a nap once when we laid it on its side. You now like to do this with certain toys, and last night you did it with a Cheerio that was apparently worn out from bring on your high chair tray.

You get rides in the laundry basket after Mama puts the clean clothes away.

You are learning how to somersault.

You have begun to protest diaper changes by trying to sit up through them. Often you can be persuaded to calm down with a song or the promise of playing with a favored object like a nail clipper (really), but on the night of your birthday you bumped your head, so sometimes Mama reminds you of that when you’re doing your Baby Abs of Steel routine.

You enjoy washing dishes so much that you sometimes have a meltdown if you can’t wash them when you want to. You also like scrubbing the shower floor, and often enlist the help of your bedtime buddy.

You have begun to state clothing preferences, usually by asking to wear your robot shirt.

You can get up on the piano bench and play by yourself.

You refer to yourself as “you,” often while pointing your chest for emphasis.

You refer to Mama as “I.”

You swiftly declare yourself done with your meal if told you can have something you want after you finish eating.

You have begun to deploy the phrase, “I don’t like it.”

You finally got to go out in a fresh snowfall, but refused to touch the snow. Mama suspects this was because you got a face full of it the day before when we walked to a neighbor’s house while it was falling. You stomped around in it a bit, but were disappointed that we couldn’t make a snowman from it because it was so dry.

You recently met a newborn baby, whom you studiously ignored except to ask Mama to put him down and to say goodbye to him.

You speak in full sentences about 20 percent of the time.

You began eating pasta a few weeks ago, but once again refused to touch or taste your birthday cake.

You know how to get down from the big bed safely.

You delight in playing hide and seek with Mama, especially when you’re in your looniest pre-bedtime state and thus most likely to run into walls and furniture while scurrying from room to room. But she has a hard time resisting your requests because of the pure joy you radiate when you find her and throw yourself against her, squealing.

You enjoy sitting in a big boy chair when we have snacks at the mall.

You made your first attempt to sing an actual song on your birthday. It was “Happy Birthday,” and you took artistic license with the lyric, proudly warbling, “happ burfday for you.”

You are two years old, and it’s a struggle to refrain from calling you “baby.”

Memory Game

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There is a particularly fabulous playground we visit fairly frequently whenever the weather and our schedule permits. Last spring, Baboo was only talking in the sense of occasionally spitting out words, but I narrated everything to him like you’re supposed to even though it makes you feel like an idiot. He responded with eye contact and pointing like he was supposed to, and all was right with the world.

For about a week, there was a treat cup perched at the top of one of the support posts for the baby swings. He pointed to it, I named it, and we moved on. This cycle happened perhaps three times.

There was a hot stretch that prevented much outside activity, so it was fall before we were regulars there again. The Boo still wasn’t completely thrilled about swings, so we went on them only occasionally. But one day when we were over there, he pointed to the top of the post that had had the treat cup on it and said, “cup.”

It had been months. He remembered a few small exchanges from months ago, from before he could talk. My mind spun, thinking of the hundreds, maybe thousands of other experiences he had had in that time span, and before. How far back did his memory go? Could he remember everything, even if he couldn’t verbalize it? What about the things I had muttered in moments of frustration before he could speak — was he storing those bon mots away, too? And how would he interpret the time I had clipped his teensy nail just a wee bit too short?

I might have staggered a bit. I already took my job as a parent pretty seriously, but this really upped the ante. If he’s storing absolutely everything in his tiny head, that means my responsibility to make our exchanges positive and meaningful is utterly huge.

I just hope I can handle the pressure of this concept — refraining from swearing already has me itchy.

I'm over 50. I'm raising a fifth grader. Sometimes he posts too.

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