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  We recently took the Boo to London, which might seem like a crazy thing to do with a three-and-a-half-year-old. But we took him to India over a year ago, so whatever. Herewith, the highlights.

You went to London for two weeks. 

You were an angel on the flights there and back despite not sleeping much/very well/at all. (Thanks, group of guys on the way to Vegas who started the party as soon as the seatbelt sign was turned off… You were truly awesome in your dedication to the loud enjoyment of free booze.)

You loved playing “light engineer” at the hotel where we stayed for the first few days. (Read: So many switches! So many lights! It’s Boo heaven!)

You were happy to ride in the stroller despite not having been it for about a year. Maybe that was because we kept plying you with potato chips and chocolate-covered digestive biscuits.

You loved riding the Tube and the buses, and got really good at listening for the station we needed. You are now the happy owner of a decommissioned Oyster card, which you use to play “riding the Tube.”

You asked to go back to the London Transport Museum almost as soon as we left it. Your favorite parts were the play train, model elevators, and real buses you could pretend to drive. We went twice, and you would have been thrilled to go every day. (That’s it in the photo above.)

You enjoyed the amazing Princess Diana Memorial Playground — most especially the pirate ship and the secluded winding pathways.

You discovered a love of shortbread, English-style pub chips and a fruit snack you named “mango snails.” Your aunt got you to try a bite of sausage, which was truly astonishing to your Mama.

You played with your older cousins quite a bit, and got into playing with Legos for the first time. 

You were captivated by the earthquake simulator at the Natural History Museum, and that night you were very concerned about whether there was an earthquake simulator under your bed. 

You were pretty good about sleeping on the floor at your cousins’ flat. There were several nights it took you ages to fall asleep, but we figured that was because you knew there were good times being had after your bedtime.

You dealt with jet lag in London better than in the U.S., where you woke up at 2 or 3 a.m. for the first few nights. And stayed up for hours and hours until Mama finally gave in and set you up with cartoons at 5 a.m., and let you watch whatever you wanted all day because that’s what cartoons are for.

You said, “I don’t know” when Mama asked “What was your favorite thing about London?” When pressed, you said, “it’s a secret,” which is also what you say when pressed about things that happen at school.

You went to London for two weeks, and you’re already asking when we can go back. 

  I share a lot of sweetness on this blog, and I don’t want you to get the wrong idea. This is not a magical house where no one ever yells or makes mistakes. Case in point: the story of the last few days. 

Two days ago, the Boo was in a state of what I can only call emotional overdrive. Every answer that was not to his liking brought tears, hitting, throwing or screaming (thankfully not all at the same time). The high point, drama-wise, was when he hurled a cereal bar across the room because I said “You’ve had a lot of treats today, so that’s not one of the choices right now.”

He ended up losing his cartoon privileges, which made him very sad. I know this because he said, over and over and over, “I’m sad I lost my cartoons, Mama.” And cried. Quite a bit. Initially I comforted him tenderly, but by the 17th time I was mumbling, “Mm-hm.” because as far as I could tell, he just needed to hear himself say it.

Yesterday, pre-nap time was the minefield. He didn’t want to even try to take off his shoes or hang up his jacket, because “I don’t have enough energy, Mama.” When I asked him to try and said I would help him if he needed help, he dissolved in tears. After a while, I said, out loud, “You know what, it isn’t worth it,” and took off his shoes and socks and hung up his jacket. 

But that’s not where the fun ended, oh no. 

On our way upstairs, he asked me a series of questions about the furnace, because that’s his wheelhouse. Questions about mechanical stuff. Sometimes he doesn’t even wait for the answer before he asks another question. He asked a fairly technical question about the humidifier and instead of making up an answer, which is what I do half the time because I get tired of saying “I don’t know,” I was honest and said “I don’t know.”

He screamed at me. Seriously. I turned and looked at him with my right eyebrow raised as far as it would go. I managed to ratchet the eyebrow a bit higher. I turned away and walked into the kitchen. I thought for a moment and said, “I know you’re frustrated but it is never okay to scream at me. If you choose to scream at me again I will not read you any books at nap time.”

He did not scream at me again. Probably because he really loves books. 

He did, however, cry repeatedly about every tiny thing he was unhappy about while I was trying to brush his teeth. Not enough toothpaste. The wrong toothpaste. Me asking him to stop jumping while I brushed his teeth. Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore and started mock-crying with him. “My fingers are too short, boo-hoo! Waaaaah, my nose itches! Waah, I don’t like that rug!”

Thankfully, my strategy did not backfire. I got him to laugh-cry, and the rest of the day was relatively drama-free. 

Maybe I should have put on a show sooner…

You grew an inch in the past six weeks, but did not gain any weight despite consuming spoons of peanut butter on a regular basis. 

You selected the colors for Mama’s most recent pedicure: 

 You started a five-mornings-a-week program at your school and are adjusting well, though Mama has noticed that you are more apt to want to cuddle with her. You also seem to have forgotten how to wash your hands at home. 

You are enthralled by the Madeline books, a taste you come by honestly — Mama loved them when she was your age. 

You talk about death a lot, saying things like, “I don’t want to die,” and “Do you want to die, Mama?” This has been going on, off and on, for at least six months, but this time it’s more intense. We are being honest and kind with our answers, so you know that everyone dies but usually when they’re very old or sick. 

You seem to be enjoying school, though it’s a bit tough to tell since you have made a game of not telling us anything about your day. You insist for example that you don’t know who you sat next to at snack, or that it’s a secret.

You sometimes share details of your day in transitory moments, like the car on the way home from school. The other day you divulged that you had declared your love for a girl in your class. Another day, you excitedly taught Mama a new song while we were walking across the parking lot after school.

You want to go to our little neighborhood park every day. 

You love the Sound of Music soundtrack and know most of the words to most of the songs. We know this because we overhear you singing them when you think we’re not paying attention. 

You have developed a serious nail-biting habit. The paint-on remedy is not doing much to deter you. Mama is considering digging out the teething toys. 

You are reasonably proficient at putting your clothes on, though whenever you get your underwear or shorts backwards you leave them that way, declaring that’s how you like to wear them.

You’ve started your first session of swim lessons without Mama in the water with you, and your teacher says you’re doing great. It helps that you have a buddy from school in the class — so you both have a friend to splash. 

You named a bunch of adults, including Mama and Daddy, when asked who your friends are. 

You asked a teacher — from another class — if she loves you. (She said she does.)

You asked both your teachers if they will miss you when you go home. 

You asked Mama if she misses you when she’s walking down the stairs with you.

You clearly have a lot going on in that sweet little noggin.

My Awesome Birthday

  As I get older, I care less about my birthday. Case in point: when my mom asked what I wanted this year, I told her, truthfully, that I want to go to a movie. We’ll be doing that soon, but in the meantime the actual day was pretty awesome. Here are a few of the reasons why:

– My kid walked away from me, happy to play with a buddy, when I dropped him off at school. A year ago, we had an elaborate separation ritual involving angst and tears, so I am thrilled to see him so comfortable.

– I had a lap lane all to myself. For the whole time I swam. 

– I saw a nun driving along in a wimple and ear buds, which made me laugh out loud. 

– I got to run errands by myself while sipping on my favorite coffee drink ever and enjoying the endorphin high I’d gotten from swimming. 

– My son sent me flowers. Okay, my husband sent me flowers with a message that read like it was from our kid. He’s done this every year since the Boo was born, and it’s now one of my favorite things about my birthday. 

– My mom brought us cupcakes!

– The Boo crashed out super early (thanks to a skipped nap) so I got lots of relaxed time with the hubs at the end of the day. (Translation: we drank port and watched the season finale of “American Ninja Warrior” which definitely counts as quality spousal time these days.)

  My kid is very cuddly when he wakes up, and often asks me to climb into bed with him. He asks with his sleepy, sweet voice, “Mama, come cuddle with me.” I realize these moments of pure affection will dwindle, and he tends to say very sweet things first thing in the morning, so I always say yes and squeeze in among the stuffed animals and miles of little boy legs. Also, it’s almost like going back to bed, which always feels like a treat. 

One recent morning when we were snuggled up, he popped his thumb out of his mouth and said, “Mama, there are eggs in you.”

Here I should pause to say that he understands the rudiments of reproduction: There is an egg and there is sperm and they are mixed together and the baby grows in the mama’s tummy. We’ll cover the details later. 

“Yes, there are.” I replied. 

“I need you to mix them with some of Daddy’s sperm and grow a new Boo for me to play with.” (This is a verbatim quote — he actually used his nickname.)

Here I should pause to say that for reasons too personal to go into here, this is not going to happen. He is an only child, and unless a baby drops from the sky into my arms, he will remain an only child. And we are all fine and happy with that for the most part. 

I made some sort of noncommittal statement like “Oh honey,” playing for time. He stayed silent, thumb back in his mouth, waiting for more information to respond to. Then I said something true but vague like, “We are so happy with just one Boo, sweetheart.”

Amazingly, he did not pepper me with questions or arguments as he usually does. But as I thought about it later, what really struck me was that he isn’t asking for a brother or sister. He’s asking for a carbon copy of himself. 

  
We recently took the Boo on a weeklong road trip to see family in Michigan. I’d been apprehensive about long stretches of car time with a 3.5-year-old, but for the most part he was a fantastic traveler. Here are the highlights:

You requested this song so many times Mama and Daddy got sick of it.

You slept in three houses and one cabin in the space of a week. You slept the best in the cabin — a few miles from Lake Huron, no water, no electricity. You slept the worst the final night, when you were sick and overtired and had just met three of Mama’s coolest cousins. 

You attended a party with too many family members to list here. You jumped right in to play with kids who were many years older than you, and enjoyed playing with a giant Jenga set. 

You were introduced to a Magic Eight-Ball. You kept asking it if you needed to pee.

You visited the Henry Ford Museum, where your favorite things were sitting in the driver’s seat of a giant steam locomotive and watching the toy trains go around and around their track. You were so tired from fighting a cold that Daddy had to carry you most of the time, but even so, you didn’t want to leave. 

You held the youngest member of the family, briefly, with a fair amount of help. 

You met roughly seven dogs, and after some angst you decided they were all okay. 

You chowed down on homemade puris — the only new food you tried on the trip. 

You were carried into a chicken coop to take a freshly laid egg from a nest,  and we brought it home safely. The next morning, we cracked it open and compared it to a store-bought egg. You declined to taste it when Mama cooked it up for you. 

You ran free in front yards, back yards, in and out of back doors, and down country roads. 

You loved playing with the sand at the tiny beach at the cabin. You also liked watching Daddy skip rocks. 

You enjoyed a meal at the Black Lake Golf Club, where you dined on corn chips and fries. 

You enjoyed peeing outside at the cabin, and you got really good at it. 

You helped Daddy wash the bugs off the car the day after we got home. 

  I’ve always yearned to be an advice columnist.  I’m not sure how well it would work out. 

 

Dear Mama Dean,

I want to stop yelling at my kids. It makes me feel terrible. What can I do?

Sincerely, 

Guilty in Gloucester

 
Dear Guilty,

Keep your mouth shut. 

*****

Dear Mama Dean,

My kids eat so much junk food, but I don’t know how to stop them. I know it’s not good for them, but they beg for it all the time.

Sincerely,

Flustered in Fargo

 
Dear Flustered,

Stop giving it to them.

*******

Dear Mama Dean,

Sometimes I feel an overwhelming sense of despair at the end of the day. It doesn’t make sense because all I do is hang out with three adorable kids, but I’d really like to improve my mood. Help!

Sincerely,

Blue in Boise

 
Dear Blue,

Pick one: wine, pedicure or yoga. If you’re really in a pinch, pretend you’re on Valium.

*****

Dear Mama Dean,

Hi, it’s Guilty in Gloucester again. Keep my mouth shut!? How am I supposed to do that?! 

 
Dear Guilty,

My advice is simple, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy to follow. If you need to, you can put your hand over your mouth at first. I would stay away from duct tape, though. Very tough to remove. 

******

Dear Mama Dean,

My sweet child occasionally turns into a demon, usually right around 5 in the afternoon. How can I handle her without losing my mind?

Sincerely,

Challenged in Chicago

 
Dear Challenged,

This sounds like a job for cartoons. 

*******

Dear Mama Dean,

Hello, it’s Blue in Boise again. I’ve never had Valium; can you tell me what it’s like so I can try pretending that I took some?

 
Dear Blue,

It’s hard to describe, so the best thing I can tell you is to ask your mom friends if they can spare one.  Trust me, someone has a stash. Ask your calmest friend first. 

*****

Dear Mama Dean,

I love taking my kid to the playground, but sometimes the other moms just complain nonstop. How can I get them to stop?

Sincerely,

Fed Up in Fayetteville 

 

Dear Fed Up,

It’s called sisterhood. Look into it. One day you’ll want to enjoy its benefits. 

******

Dear Mama Dean,

My child asked for green beans and then screamed at me when I gave them to him. Should I take him to the doctor?

Sincerely,

Worried in Wichita

 

Dear Worried,

Let me guess — your child is three. Go Google “three is the new two.” Then go buy a case of your favorite wine. You’re going to need it. 

  “This sounds like The Clash!” (It was.)

***
“This sounds like Mickey Mouse Clubhouse!” (It was Stevie Wonder’s Sir Duke, which also starts with a nice thick blast of horns.)

***
“Who is this?”   “Steven Tyler.”    “That sounds like Stevie Wonder!”

***
“Why is he yelling?” (It was Steven Tyler.)

***

“This is the Rolling Stones. It’s called ‘Time is On My Side. What do you think?”

“It’s yucky.”

***

“I want Red Vines!”

“It’s my turn to pick.”

“Okay Mama. You pick Red Vines.”

***

Wherein we answer your burning questions about the secret lives of SAHMs, and dispense advice — but only if someone asks for it.



Dear SAHM, 

Why are you people so crazy about pedicures?

Sincerely,

Muddled in Memphis

>Dear Muddled,

It’s not about the feet so much as the opportunity to sit still for 20 minutes and read things like this:

  
Dear SAHM, 

Is it true that you fantasize about cleaning the toilet by yourself? That just seems weird. 

Sincerely,

Stumped in Seattle

>Dear Stumped,

It seems weird to us too, but yes, we yearn to clean the house without “help.” It would take half the time, and with the brain space free from supervising the child, we could fantasize about other things — like inventive ways to cut grocery bills. Not really. Nobody fantasizes about saving money. That would be super weird. Ahem. 

*****

Dear SAHM,

I saw a woman doing a crazy dance in front of a giant display of Goldfish crackers. Was this a SAHM? Is this some kind of secret ritual?

Sincerely,

Amazed in Albuquerque

>Dear Amazed,

That may or may have not been a SAHM, but I can tell you for sure that those Goldfish were on sale. Sounds like a really good sale, too. Where was this?

*****

Dear SAHM,

I overheard some ladies debating which is the worst: Caillou, Thomas or Dora. Can you shed some light on this?

Sincerely,

Freaked out in Fargo

>Dear Freaked Out,

Sure: Caillou is by far the most evil children’s cartoon character ever invented. 

*****

Dear SAHM,

How are Stay-at-Home moms different from working moms?

Curious in Chicago

>Dear Curious,

We don’t go to an office, factory, or other work environment. In fact, we never leave our workplace, even to sleep. We have no official lunch break and no days off, even when we’re sick. Hm, maybe we should unionize…

*****

Dear SAHM,

What’s the best part of staying at home with your kids?

Waiting in Walla-Walla

>Dear Waiting,

Depends on the SAHM. Could be post-nap snuggles, unlimited access to baby feet, or the ability to wear pajama pants all damn day.

The officiant at rest.

Yesterday, the Boo wanted to know what getting married meant. I told him that when you love someone very much, you might want to stay with them forever. And if you do, you can ask them if they want to marry you. And if they say yes, you get married. 

This morning, he said he wanted to marry me. 

I said yes, and then we set about finding an officiant. He asked his stuffed tiger, but it said no. Fortunately, the hippo he asked next agreed to perform the ceremony. 

After some very brief vows, the hippo declared us to be married. Then the Boo said, “Now we need to get all married up!” As it turns out, that means that you exchange lots of kisses on various part of your faces. But the kisses only count as kisses if you pop your mouth open really wide like a fish after you give them. 

Shortly after that, he said it was time to get unmarried. We achieved this by taking the kisses off with a special sort of drill. He said it wouldn’t hurt. It didn’t, maybe because I couldn’t even see the drill. 

I negotiated to keep one kiss. 

I'm over 50. I'm raising a fifth grader. Sometimes he posts too.

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