Posted in Daily Life, Entertainment, Uncategorized, tagged childhood, motherhood, parenting on July 22, 2015| Leave a Comment »
“This sounds like The Clash!” (It was.)
***
“This sounds like Mickey Mouse Clubhouse!” (It was Stevie Wonder’s Sir Duke, which also starts with a nice thick blast of horns.)
***
“Who is this?” “Steven Tyler.” “That sounds like Stevie Wonder!”
***
“Why is he yelling?” (It was Steven Tyler.)
***
“This is the Rolling Stones. It’s called ‘Time is On My Side. What do you think?”
“It’s yucky.”
***
“I want Red Vines!”
“It’s my turn to pick.”
“Okay Mama. You pick Red Vines.”
***
Posted in Daily Life, tagged childhood, children, humor, motherhood, parenting on July 10, 2015| Leave a Comment »
Wherein we answer your burning questions about the secret lives of SAHMs, and dispense advice — but only if someone asks for it.
Dear SAHM,
Why are you people so crazy about pedicures?
Sincerely,
Muddled in Memphis
>Dear Muddled,
It’s not about the feet so much as the opportunity to sit still for 20 minutes and read things like this:
Dear SAHM,
Is it true that you fantasize about cleaning the toilet by yourself? That just seems weird.
Sincerely,
Stumped in Seattle
>Dear Stumped,
It seems weird to us too, but yes, we yearn to clean the house without “help.” It would take half the time, and with the brain space free from supervising the child, we could fantasize about other things — like inventive ways to cut grocery bills. Not really. Nobody fantasizes about saving money. That would be super weird. Ahem.
*****
Dear SAHM,
I saw a woman doing a crazy dance in front of a giant display of Goldfish crackers. Was this a SAHM? Is this some kind of secret ritual?
Sincerely,
Amazed in Albuquerque
>Dear Amazed,
That may or may have not been a SAHM, but I can tell you for sure that those Goldfish were on sale. Sounds like a really good sale, too. Where was this?
*****
Dear SAHM,
I overheard some ladies debating which is the worst: Caillou, Thomas or Dora. Can you shed some light on this?
Sincerely,
Freaked out in Fargo
>Dear Freaked Out,
Sure: Caillou is by far the most evil children’s cartoon character ever invented.
*****
Dear SAHM,
How are Stay-at-Home moms different from working moms?
Curious in Chicago
>Dear Curious,
We don’t go to an office, factory, or other work environment. In fact, we never leave our workplace, even to sleep. We have no official lunch break and no days off, even when we’re sick. Hm, maybe we should unionize…
*****
Dear SAHM,
What’s the best part of staying at home with your kids?
Waiting in Walla-Walla
>Dear Waiting,
Depends on the SAHM. Could be post-nap snuggles, unlimited access to baby feet, or the ability to wear pajama pants all damn day.
Posted in Daily Life, Uncategorized, tagged childhood, Kids, motherhood, parenting, preschoolers on June 29, 2015| 2 Comments »
The officiant at rest.
Yesterday, the Boo wanted to know what getting married meant. I told him that when you love someone very much, you might want to stay with them forever. And if you do, you can ask them if they want to marry you. And if they say yes, you get married.
This morning, he said he wanted to marry me.
I said yes, and then we set about finding an officiant. He asked his stuffed tiger, but it said no. Fortunately, the hippo he asked next agreed to perform the ceremony.
After some very brief vows, the hippo declared us to be married. Then the Boo said, “Now we need to get all married up!” As it turns out, that means that you exchange lots of kisses on various part of your faces. But the kisses only count as kisses if you pop your mouth open really wide like a fish after you give them.
Shortly after that, he said it was time to get unmarried. We achieved this by taking the kisses off with a special sort of drill. He said it wouldn’t hurt. It didn’t, maybe because I couldn’t even see the drill.
I negotiated to keep one kiss.
Posted in Daily Life, Uncategorized, tagged childhood, Kids, motherhood, parenting on June 22, 2015| Leave a Comment »
You have an imaginary friend. His name is the same as Daddy’s and he seems to be very similar to you, though sometimes he is potty trained and sometimes not.
You are fond of telling us when other kids are violating some rule or safety guideline.
You are in the process of dropping your afternoon nap. We know this because when you sleep for longer than an hour you struggle to fall asleep at night and then wake up early. The good news: when your nap is an hour or less, you sleep for 10-11 hours at night.
You still refuse most veggies and all meat and dairy products, though you did eat most of a snow pea we grew on the deck.
You are tall enough to turn lights on and off.
You still adore playing with water and containers on the deck, even in 90-plus temps.
You are completely potty trained when awake, and wake up dry from naps about 20% of the time. We don’t even have to haul the seat insert with us when we leave the house anymore.
You asked what a gun is. You were told it’s a very noisy thing for grownups only. The noise is why it’s not allowed in stores or schools or other public places.
You seem to be enjoying summer camp, though you rarely tell us what you do there. When asked what the music teacher sang one day, you whispered, “it’s a secret.”
You have grown half an inch and gained a pound over the last two months. You are also outgrowing your summer sandals, but happily Mama was able to find the same pair in the next size up.
You are no longer willing to ride in shopping carts unless you are extremely tired.
You have seen the original Sesame Street and was amused that Mama liked it so much.
You went to the science center and spent most of your time there watching the Omnimax projector. When it was time to go, you negotiated to stay until the projector went back up into the ceiling.
You know that things die when they get old.
You have asked if your Grammie is going to die. You were told yes, but not for a long time.
You asked if you were going to die. You were told no, because Mama thinks you already have enough to worry about (you are currently concerned about storms, tornadoes and fires).
Posted in Daily Life, tagged bedtime, childhood, Kids, motherhood, parenting on June 4, 2015| Leave a Comment »
From the time he was small enough to hold with one arm, the Boo’s bedtime routine has consisted of three stages: Reading, singing and kisses. But lately, the kisses have taken over.
In the beginning, of course, he could not return our kisses. Later, maybe around the time he turned two, he started trying to kiss us. He would approach us with his mouth frog-wide-open, smear us with toddler spit, and look very pleased with himself.
At some point, I decided one kiss on his forehead was not enough, and started kissing his cheeks. He began asking me to kiss his nose, chin, ears, and eyes, and I was happy to comply. Then one night he decided I should have kisses, too.
He gave me kisses everywhere I had kissed him. And now he has teeth, and an overbite, and doesn’t always pucker up, so I brace myself for gentle collisions. Sometimes, he uses my nose as a handle to get to the part of my face he wants to kiss. It hurts, but it always makes me smile because of how practical and serious he is about it.
Then one night he declared he was out of kisses. But he knew how to get more, he said. He just needed a special key, which he used to open a spot on his chest. Then he put in more kisses, and more and more. Then he retrieved the key, locked the kisses in, and delivered them.
This is all very charming, and one of my favorite parts of the day, but it takes a long time. So I’ve started cutting back on books and songs on days when I’m feeling super tired or just done with kid time. He doesn’t seem to notice — he’s too busy stocking up on kisses.
Posted in Daily Life, tagged childhood, Kids, motherhood, parenting on March 16, 2015| Leave a Comment »
Time has been slipping by with occasional thoughts of posting something and now here we are, over three weeks with no post. It’s some kind of record. So here’s what’s been going on:
Ear infection. We’re 3/4 of the way through the second round of antibiotics and have our fingers crossed because that little orifice is hugely disruptive when it’s out of order. Crappy sleep, crabby kid, and let’s not forget all those lovely trips to the doctor. I mean, I love our pediatrician and all, but there are limits.
Colds. All three of us, in rotation, throughout the entire month of February. Whee!
Allergies. Our winter was so warm there was a mold count almost the entire time.
February. That month can suck it. Even with V-day and the Boo’s birthday in there, it always kicks my behind until I turn around and say, “Go ahead, keep kicking, only two more weeks, right? I can take it.”
Baby Root Canal. Yep, that’s right, it’s a thing. And it’s the alternative to pulling a tooth when the nerve is dead and causing pain and threatening to blossom into an abscess. The Boo drank his sleepy juice like a champ and came through it just fine. And yes, dopey kids are hilarious. Haven’t laughed that hard in months.
Time change. No need to say much about this since everyone is already complaining about it.
Deathaversary. My dad died almost exactly nine years ago. Every year I think it won’t affect me. Every year I am wrongitty-wrong-wrong. Wrong.
Singing. The Boo has suddenly, like seriously overnight, started singing entire songs. His rhythm is still better than his melody, but they are recognizable songs, yay! He is currently obsessed with London Bridge but also has deep affection Rom Stomp Stomp or whatever you call the kid’s song with “Oh Raffi” in the middle of it. What, is that like an ad for Raffi? That’s just wrong.
Swimming. We started classes at a new place, and so far it’s an awesome way to chew up a Saturday morning. But I am looking forward to the first time he gets to go to a swimming class without me in the water. Mostly because I don’t enjoy the process of bathing both of us in a tiny shower with a sticky curtain and then dressing in front of strangers. I’d much rather get soaked showering my kid.
Posted in Daily Life, Uncategorized, tagged childhood, Kids, learning, parenting on February 7, 2015| Leave a Comment »
Last week, we paid a visit to the MySci bus, a roving interactive science experience housed in a tractor-trailer. We were in there for approximately 90 seconds, because small spaces filled with loud people are not the Boo’s thing. At all. So we missed out on that particular enrichment opportunity.
But I’m not worried about what we missed because in the past week, the Boo has been bursting with questions about science. Herewith, a list of our topics and my explanations:
– Why a spoon gets hot when you put it next to the dishwasher vent (the heat likes to jump to the spoon because it’s made of metal).
– Why and how eyes move (thank you, Internet, for excellent anatomical diagrams) and how the brain makes that happen (it sends messages that are so fast you don’t even know they’re being sent).
– Why plumbers cost a lot of money
Me: They know a lot of special things about pipes and faucets, so we have to pay them a lot.
Boo: If they don’t know so many stuff… do we pay less?
– Why light helps us see (it bounces off everything).
– Where wind comes from (the sky, storms, fans, hands that are waving really fast).
– How the heart works (I used my fist as a model and said “lub-dub, lub-dub.”)
Maybe next time we’ll enjoy the MySci bus a bit more, but for now I think I’m doing pretty well explaining physics and biology at a preschool level.
Posted in Daily Life, tagged humor, Kids, motherhood, parenting on February 6, 2015| 2 Comments »
Did you know that “February” can be translated as “couch, cookies and cocoa”? Or so I’ve been told.
Here, then, is a post from a year ago, about something I’m still doing: Using a timer to trick the Boo into doing what I want him to do. Although now he asks for additional timers to be set…
There are so many long stretches of parenting a small child that are absolutely mind-numbing in their repetitiveness that when you occasionally come up with a genius childrearing idea on the fly, it’s both a shock and cause for celebration.
I had one of those moments a few months ago when I asked the Boo to take me upstairs instead of telling him we had to go up. I have no idea why I did it, but the appeal to his budding independence was instant and dramatic — he seized my finger and practically dragged me up behind him. A couple of weeks ago, though, I came up with an even better trick, though once again I couldn’t tell you where the idea came from.
The Boo was being particularly disinclined to be happy about delaying his desires, which is to say, it was close to nap time on yet another butt-cold day in February and I needed to do a few more things before I could grant his wish to help him play at the sink. I pulled out my phone and opened the clock app.
“I tell you what. I’ll set the timer. When you hear the bells, it’s time for water play.”
He looked a little unsure about this timer thing, but he was pleased that I let him push the start button. Then I made a huge deal about the bells ringing and let him push the cancel button. Then I set it again to signal the end of water play, because he will seriously spend as much time as we let him “washing” dishes.
So now, instead of whining at me (my least favorite thing about my kid) when he needs to wait or stop doing something he likes, he submits to the will of the phone. Because, see, the command is coming from the phone — the provider of videos and games and general fun — not from me. And he doesn’t have it in him to whine at the phone.
Yet.
Posted in Daily Life, Uncategorized, tagged childhood, motherhood, parenting on January 24, 2015| 3 Comments »
One day, about six months ago I think, I was singing to the Boo. I don’t know the real title of the song, and I changed the words to half the verse because I couldn’t remember them. But one part was true to the original:
When you’re not near me, I’m blue
I had sung this to my kid many times before, but on this occasion, he stopped me and asked why I was blue, not yellow or green. After I stopped laughing, I said, “It means when my little boy is far away, I get sad.”
“Do you cry, Mama?”
“Sure, I guess so, yes.”
He sprang up from my lap, giggling, and put himself in the farthest corner of the room.
“Are you blue, Mama?”
I said yes, I was indeed blue.
“Are you going to cry, Mama?”
“Yes, yes I am.”
I did my best fake cry. And he laughed.
“Cry some more, Mama.”
He waited until I had gotten myself thoroughly worked up. I had taken a couple of breaks to peek at him, and each time he commanded me to cry some more. Finally, he decided he should put me out of my misery and ran to me, hurling himself into my arms.
Since that day, he has periodically asked me to play “the blue game” with him. He requires me to cry ever more theatrically, for longer periods, before he will launch himself from across the room.
It is my favorite game, ever.
Posted in Daily Life, tagged exercise, motherhood, swimming on January 9, 2015| Leave a Comment »
Damn, that was a killer flip turn.
Will my stupid broken toe ever quit bugging me? And why can’t I remember to tape it before I swim?
Why that lady is wearing shorts? Looks like she’s going to swim laps.
It would be cool to have prescription goggles so I could kind of see stuff while I swim.
What is THAT? Maybe it wouldn’t be cool to see better underwater.
So apparently I will never be able to swim backstroke in a straight line. Jesus.
Shorts lady is the the water, without shorts. Did she really think we couldn’t deal with the sight of her thighs? Poor thing.
Okay, I flipped over just like before, so why is my head pointing at the bottom of the pool?
Huh, backstroke is a lot easier if I rock my torso side to side when I pull my arms down.
I wonder if I can get away with one trip to Target this week?
I’d really like to live in Paris for a while. Or Tokyo.
Where does that guy get off telling me I should have been swimming against the wall? Doesn’t he know the first one in the lane gets to pick what side they want? Amateur.
Why do my legs feel so heavy today?
Why do I feel so spazzy doing dolphin kick? Well, at least it’s getting easier.
No, I really need to pop into Target. Crap. Why do we always need more stuff?
Damn, that was a killer flip turn.
My journey to becoming a dietitian and other cool stuff
Living The Road Less Travelled
Mama-Come-Lately 